get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
