So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
