if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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