she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
