The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
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I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
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Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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