If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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