Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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