fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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