my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She's the barista slut.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
