guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
