I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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