she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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