My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
