drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
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A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
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I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize