I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You are a genius and a whore.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
