Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
