did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
