Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
