help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
