A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When did angry sex become our thing?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
