walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
