Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
how drunk are you?
Several
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
