Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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