mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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