my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Less talking, more tequila
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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