I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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