You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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