How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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