You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
