i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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