I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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