this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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