Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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