Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
