I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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