mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
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Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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