Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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