It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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