Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
