I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
