I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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