At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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