I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
