There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
