I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
