I just saw a hot homeless man
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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