Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
