I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize