I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
