Need sex. Gaining weight.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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