i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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