I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you traded sex for a burrito?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
