mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
